Ah Valentine's Day...

So I spent yet another Valentine's Day, alone, single, infront of the tv. Not that that is much of a surprize, as I was recovering from my birthday celebrations the night before. But it was still a little lonely not cuddling with someone I care about while watching mindless and useless television.

Whats strange about this year, is, ok yes I would have liked to have someone bring me chocolates and flowers, and yes I was a little lonely, but this year I wasn't sad. I didn't feel sorry for myself. I didn't ask the eternal "why me". Have I come resigned to the fact that I am single? Wow, am I actually content with being single?

Looking back to the list of guys I've been with the past few years, one would think that I'd have been content with being single a long time ago. Its a long, international list of good-for-nothing, but good-for-now guys that, actually, I'm proud of. Proud that I was able to survive them with my heart still in one piece, without being bitter or jaded.

Well at least not completely bitter or jaded...

Last night I was reminded of my bumpy romantic past with a simple text message:

Happy V Day beautiful...

I had erased his number from my phone due to my habit of sending drunken and embarrassing text messages at 3am on Sunday mornings. Yet I knew it was him because its the same text message that he's sent to me every year since 2007. The man who gave me the first, incredibly addictive, taste for the exotic and unattainable. The Disapearing Peruvian.

Usually this yearly message from him gets my heart all afflutter. Usually any word from him gives me the giggles and makes me weak in the knees. But this time, all it did was make me smile. Make me reminise the times when I thought, one day, one day. And now, four years later, I know that day will never come. But I remember, at the time, how sweet that feeling was.

So I think my next few blog posts, in tribute to Valentine's Day, to growing up, I will dedicate to all the men I've loved before. Because, although they bruised my heart quite royally, they did make me happy, those few moments that I shared with them. And thoughts of them still make me smile.

The liminality of 30

Its been a long long time since my last entry. I admit I'm very bad at keeping things up to speed, especially when technology is involved. Mea culpa.

So much has happened since August of 2008. I finally moved out of my parents house. Got a new job, a new cat. Gained a boyfriend. Lost a boyfriend. Traveled. Made new friends. Life has been pretty good.

Yet, on the cusp of my 30th birthday, I feel closer to adolecence than ever. For some reason I imagined turning 30 would mean the tying of loose threads, but instead I feel even more frayed than before. All my friends in my age group are settling down, getting married, beginning their careers, thinking about kids, having kids, buying houses and cars- basically becoming functioning adults. I, on the otherhand, am completely and utterly single. Not even dating. I don't even have an "amigo especial". I rent a room in a house I share with two other ladies and a slew of animals. I still work at a coffee shop, and my new job happens to be at the place I started working when I was 18 years old, fresh out of highschool.

Am I moving backwards in life?

Some people tell me no. Some people say this is the lot in life for the 30 somethings of the new millenia. That they are meant to float around the first world with no real purpose in life. To spend their money as fast as they make it. To live life day by day, enjoying every moment, settling for nothing less than greatness, and so not settling at all.

And still I see 30 somethings all around me with purpose in their stride, settling for whats in front of them, rather than some unattainable dream that television and their parents fed to them. And I wonder why isn't that me. Why am I still living life in the uncontrolable fastlane, unable to slow down long enough to sit still a while? Unable to find someone to sit still with me?

So this past year and a half, while its been eventful, feels as though nothing has happened at all. And don't get me wrong. I am not unhappy. Life, even with its ups and downs, has been very enjoyable so far.

Its just, at this point, I am very confused.